The Invention of Glancing

A couple of years ago Ricky Gervais wrote, starred in and (I think) directed a film called The Invention of Lying.  The film is set in an alternate but very similar world to ours, the only difference being that in this other world, nobody knows how to lie...  Until it is ‘invented’ by Ricky’s character.  Chaos, capers and pop-philosophy ensue and the punters left the cinema thinking it was a good idea, but not a great film.  Should Mr Gervais persuade a studio to give him money to make a sequel, I propose he sets it in the Maldives and calls it The Invention of Glancing.  The plot would go something like this:

Opening Scene

Our main character (let’s call him Chris) wanders around the Maldives and as he is a little different in appearance, and the locals are curious, yet cautious, they stare incessantly until he feels that, at any point he is in public, if he is to look around, there will be someone local staring at him.

Main Crux of Story

A local man, let’s call him Razzan, discovers the amazing ability to glance at people, when after sleeping for too long, he pulls a muscle in his neck and as a consequence realises sometimes it hurts to turn his neck to stare.  Out of necessity he evolves and becomes able to glance at people, things, anything really.

Conclusion

Razzan teaches the whole of the Maldives how to glance at people, leading to all sorts of social interactions becoming rather easier and visitors to the Maldives to feel less self-conscious.  It all ends happily and Razzan gets married to five teachers.

Soundtrack

Reworkings of classic songs:

Starey Eyed Surprise – Paul Oakenfold

Everybody’s Starey Eyed – That girl who goes out with the Radio 1 DJ and looks like my friend Devon Brady

Stare Spangled Banner – This would be a new version, sung by Ringo Stare

She’s a Starer – James

So I guess what I am saying is that people in the Maldives have a tendency to stare at new people (in case you hadn’t noticed my subtle hints).  I don’t really mind to be honest, perhaps it is the form of vanity that would cause Carly Simon to write a song about me, but sometimes, when a lot of people are doing it, it gets a bit much.  This morning, on the way in to school, the parents and children were waiting to go in to the gates and I couldn’t have felt more alien had I just hopped out of my spaceship, blown both my noses and removed the crayfish from my trousers that had been scratching me all the way from my home planet.  I guess it is just a cultural thing, and, to be honest, I know I am a bit funny looking anyway.  Hopefully, as the locals get used to me, the staring will become a thing of the past and I will only receive a cursory glance.

In other news, I spent the weekend visiting Male with some of the other teachers.  Chris and I travelled down on Thursday night after school and met about a dozen other folks for dinner.  As it was my birthday, and also the birthday of Brad, another teacher, the rest of them clubbed together and got us a cake, complete with guitars and birds.  It was delicious and very touching that they should go to the trouble of doing such a thing for us.

We were very kindly put up for the weekend by Lorne and Kat, who live on the island of Hulamale, next to the airport.  It is an interesting place, reclaimed from the sea and being built up, ready for the population expansion and centralisation of the Maldives that will come as the seas rise.  At the moment it is like a very large building site, but in comparison to Male, is a quiet, modern area with western-style (think Miami on a bad day) apartments and nice, clean beaches.  Friday brought some beach time, swimming, eating and the invention of a game of human whack-a-mole at the swimming area on the beach.  A jolly old time was had by all.

In the evening, we all met up at a hotel on Hulamale which served… alcohol.  It was at vastly inflated prices, it was also not the nicest beer I have ever tasted, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t enjoy it!  As an added bonus, I even got to feel a bit groggy on the Saturday morning.  How lucky I am.  It truly felt like a birthday weekend at home and I thank those who were there and those who sent me best wishes (and also someone who gave me an early card to open!).  I’m back on my island, internetting my little heart out now that I have a dongle.  If anyone wants to get in touch with me, skype is now go!

Speak soon dear reader.